Chaos Is My Name
by A.C. Lucius
Summary: Two misfits recount their stories of unrequited love...
1. Chapter 1

**Spoiler Alert! Just a quick warning before you read on ahead. This story takes place seven years after the Elder Goth saga and may contain spoilers from both the Elder Goth (which I haven't finished writting) and the upcoming sequel (which I haven't writen yet). With that said, proceed with caution if you're following the Elder Goth story, and I hope you enjoy. This story is going to be a short multi-chapter one, so you don't have to wait too long for updates.**

**Happy reading!**

**Yours Affectionately,**

**-A.C. Lucius**

It was just after lunch when I found a note in my locker. It didn't say from who though. "Meet me in the quad after school" was all it said. I pocketed the letter, hoping it wasn't some trick to ambush me and went to class. When the final bell rang, I hung back letting Tweek know that I was staying after. My quirky best friend just shrugged tremulously before increasing his stride to catch up with the Goth Kids. Yeah, things have changed in the span of seven years which is to be expected. Tweek, Pip, and I hang with the Goths now and are Goths ourselves.

Now I know what you're probably thinking and you got the wrong idea. Henrietta and the guys really aren't so bad. In fact, they've been on the straight and narrow for the past seven years since Mrs. Saunders (The Elder Goth as we call her) became our music teacher at South Park Elementary. The decadent foursome, and Mr. and Mrs. Saunders have been exceedingly kind to Tweek, Pip, and me. The three of us were social outcasts with no one but each other, and they reached out to let us know that we weren't invisible; they made us feel human. We grew so comfortable in their company that we eventually became one of them. It was inevitable of course, but more on that later…

I sat in the empty classroom and waited for the halls to empty out before making my way to the quad. I walked as slow as I possibly could, what was the big hurry? Especially considering that it might be a trap. I still get bullied and beaten up an awful lot after all. I opened the door leading out to the quad and there was no one there. The wind enveloped me in a cold embrace as I stood there looking around expectantly. Nothing. So, was this the trick? I looked at the note I found in my locker before pocketing it again. I guess the only way to know was to wait. I sat on the snowy bench in the middle of the quad and waited. And waited. And waited…

It was getting late. Aside from the jocks who had football practice and the other extracurricular clubs, the school was almost completely abandoned. Just as I was about to give up and go home, the sound of crunching snow alerted me to the presence. I stood up suddenly preparing to run if need be, but I relaxed as soon as I saw who it was.

Kenny, the boy that I've been friends with for most of our lives and have only learned of my feelings for but less than a year ago. He just stood there looking at me, the hood of his orange jacket covering his head; a sullen look on his face. The image of him kissing Craig immediately filled my vision, Craig looking gloatingly at me and flipping me off without parting his lips from him. Sadness and anger roiled combatively inside my chest, and because sadness was more painful, I decided to let anger win this battle. It seems that all I'm capable of feeling lately is anger. At the moment, I didn't seem to be alone in that sentiment. He just stood there gloweringly, perhaps waiting for me to speak.

"Did you leave a note in my locker?" I asked darkly.

He didn't answer. Instead, he walked past me and beckoned me to follow. I sighed, I guess that's a yes. We wound up at our usual spot, a shaded area of brick wall at the far end of the quad. This must've been a lot more serious than I thought. This was our spot where we would exchange secrets and tell each other our problems. We held each other in such confidence until a week ago. How could everything have gone so totally wrong?

Kenny stopped walking and turned to face me. He pulled his hood down, revealing his wheat colored hair and began surveying my appearance. I must look like a mess to him; I was still slightly bruised and scratched up from the beating I took last week. My boney arms were covered in scars and still fresh wounds from cutting myself, and I hadn't slept in days. There were bags under my eyes and my hair was a mess, I was starting to look like Tweek. All the evidence of my suffering was exposed for the world to see; I couldn't help but feel naked as Kenny took it all in. Those perceptive eyes of his always seem to be trying to burn holes into everything he looks at.

"Jesus man," he said shaking his head, "what the fuck happened to you?"

"You sure you want to know?" I said sardonically, "Do you even care at this point?"

"What's that suppose to mean? What is this even about?"

"Doubt." I answer flatly, "Doubt is what got me into this whole mess. Our friendship was important to me, you were important to me. But because I wanted something more, doubt was there to cock block me."

Kenny became very still and stared blankly at me as realization dawned on him.

"Are you saying what I think your saying?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter," I shook my head looking at the ground.

"Doesn't matter? So you think that-"

"Why don't you just tell me why you're here?" I interrupted.

He looked at me gloweringly before leaning against the wall and looking away from me. He reached into his pocket and took out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. He pulled two out of the pack and lit them both offering me one. I took it gratefully and began sucking it down. This was going to be a long conversation…

"I'm here because of you," said Kenny, "because I broke up with Craig…" he added with some difficulty.

_Well, that's news to me! _I thought, startled by this new information. "I don't see how that's my fault, but if you say so…" I reply feigning indifference.

"I'm not blaming you, damn it! Can you stop being a dick for two seconds and listen?"

_Oh my gosh… _I thought, _Is it me or is he about to cry?_

"Whoa, hey man, I'm sorry…" I reached out to touch his shoulder consolingly but he shrugged my hand away. Now who's being a dick?

"He said there was someone else," he continued, "he also told me about what he did to you…"

Oh, so that's what this is about…

"Why didn't you just tell me the truth from the beginning?"

"How could I?" I said, "Would you have believed me? I did try to tell you, but you didn't look like you were prepared for it. And as jealous as I was, I also didn't want to ruin your relationship."

"So now you're a martyr?"

"Look who's talking!"

"That is so beside the point," said Kenny now getting frustrated, "we're here to talk about you. To discuss why in the world you haven't been acting like yourself. I want to know why you would go out of your way to lie to me about my boyfriend being an ass, and why you took the fall for a crime you didn't commit!"

"For the record, you should've already known that Craig is an ass." I replied smartly, "As for my actions or lack thereof, that is a very long story."

"I don't have anywhere to be."

I sighed. He would say that, but how do I begin? Should I tell him about what Craig did? About how Eric stole his computer? It's all so overwhelming when I think about it now; there was so much going on that my mind hasn't quite processed it all yet. How can he expect to in just one sitting? Okay Kenny McCormick, you asked for it! I'm going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not…

I smothered out the butt of my cigarette and reached into my pocket for my own pack. I lit up a another and just stood quietly for a few moments trying to collect my thoughts. Looking at the sky, I had just taken notice that it was already dark. Boy, it sure has gotten late. Good thing my parents stopped trying to ground me.

"Have you ever seen that movie Spirited Away?" I asked him.

He just shrugged looking away from me at nothing in particular. Kenny just looked so indifferent, but at the same time he listened intently to what I was saying.

I took a deep shuddering breath. God, it felt so good to breathe when I was angry. My body automatically wanted to start meditating, to relax, but I wouldn't allow myself to. I didn't want to you see, I didn't want to have control because then I'd be allowing myself to feel which would've been too painful.

"Well you know that part a little towards end?" I pressed on, "Where Chihiro tells Haku his true name and he says, 'That's right! I remember now, I was the spirit of the Kohaku River!' and then he goes on to tell Chihiro about how he's been trying to find his way home for a very long time? It turns out that he couldn't find his way home because the Kohaku River was dammed up with pollution."

"Where are you getting at with this, Butters?" Kenny interrupted now looking at me.

I sighed. "Well, there is a point to all this if you care to listen…"

He just grunted shrugging and looking away from me again. It's just so depressing that we can't even have a friendly conversation anymore, but then we would have to still be friends in order for that to happen.

"In a sense," I continued, "our bodies are rivers and we are all just like Kohaku trying really hard to find our way home. You see, our bodies have these things called chakras. There are seven of them running vertically up ours bodies from the bases of our spines to the crowns of our heads. Each of these chakras represent an emotion and an aspect of the human personality. And in each of these chakras flow a special energy called chi. If you block off any of these chakras, your chi can't flow freely and you become as stagnant and polluted as the Kohaku River."

"Why are you telling me this?" Kenny asked with desperation disguised as irritability. It's amazing how I could still read him so well.

"Because you wanted to know what happened to me!" I shot at him, "And I'm telling you, okay? I've been through some pretty rough times, and I haven't been able to tell myself that I will be happy again like I usually do. I haven't been able to smile and laugh it off, or tell myself I should be grateful for my sadness because I'm not! All of these emotions became too painful for me, it got to the point where I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. So I blocked off my heart chakra and now I'm polluted too. The longer I remain this way, further away from home I get…"

I wanted to cry, but wouldn't let myself as aforementioned. The sadness just ebbed painfully in my heart for a few moments before it got swallowed up by my black chi. I decided to settle for sliding down to the ground with my back pressed to the brick wall into a crouching position. I looked up at the starry sky and let myself get lost in the vastness of the galaxy. I could see the North Star and the Big and Little Dippers. I became so engrossed in staring at the twinkling lights, that my mind became a total blank.

But I would be brought back to reality soon enough…


	2. Chapter 2

********

**So here's my game plan for the next several weeks regarding my fanfics.**

Once I'm done writting _Chaos Is My Name_, I'm going to direct all of my focus to finishing the _Elder Goth_ story. Then I'm going to at least start the first the chapter of the _Elder Goth_ sequel before I continue writting _Manta Abridged_.

I also have plans of writting a forth South Park fanfic, but it will not come into fruition until I'm well into the _Elder Goth_ sequel.

_Chaos Is My Name_ is intended to be a short multi-chapter fic, so I plan to wash my hands of this story by the end of next week.

Thank you for your support and hang in there, I will finish my stories eventually. Also, I feel inclined to once again inform you that this story contains spoilers from the _Elder Goth _saga.

**Yours Affectionately,**

**-A.C. Lucius**

_Oh sweet Jesus! What's going on here? How is this happening?_

Just moments ago I was in class minding my own business, and now this! This is just way to much pressure! This always happens to me, something always has to catch me off guard. This is worse than underpants gnomes. Way, way worse…

I was sitting in the back of class to the far right corner just ignoring the teacher. All of my energy was focused on trying to relax. Relaxation is not my strong suit, but I'm getting better. I don't shake or twitch as much, and I've been keeping my startled outbursts to a minimum. However, I don't like surprises and I'm just as paranoid as ever. My head bobbed softly to the music streaming from my ear buds; my right hand tapping to the beat with a pencil. I quietly mouth the lyrics of the song to myself as I tried to ease the trembling in my tense body.

_I want you to know that you've fallen through a hole in the sky. The strangers welcome you. As you lose your sanity, they touch your soul…_

That sounds just like me. Everyday I walk through the halls of Park County High feeling like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. So much is always going on around me, so much noise and distraction. So much chaos. It is all so utterly terrifying.

_Magic potions, grinning fur. It's all a blur, it's all a blur. Magic poisons, royal tea. Run screaming, run screaming to me. I want you to know (Alice is dead). I want you to know (Alice is dead)._

The piercing scream of the school bell crashes through my thoughts like a train wreak. The noise causes me to jump out of my skin and let out a small yelp. A few of my classmates turned around to laugh at me before getting up from their seats and piling out of the classroom. I get up a few moments later feeling mildly abashed at my outburst.

I was on my way out the door to meet with my friends Dylan and Henrietta, but hung back when I noticed that Butters wasn't coming. He looked like something was bothering him. I turned and looked at him expectantly, that's when he spoke.

"Hey Tweek," he said, "I'm staying after today, tell the others I'll catch up with them later."

"Okay." I shrugged and stepped out into the hallway. _Weird, _I thought, _Butters isn't acting like his usual self. _His usual _Gothic_ self I mean. Butters hasn't acted liked his old usual self since elementary school. I came out of my reverie when I saw Henrietta and Dylan walk by and quickened my pace to fall into step with them.

"Sup Twitch?" Dylan greeted as he attempted to flick his black and red fringe out of his face. When I first started hanging out with the Goth Kids, they nicknamed me "Twitch" because of my spastic episodes. Yeah, I was a pretty fucked up kid.

"I'm doing okay, all things considered." I replied, "So what's the plan for this evening's games of debauchery?"

"Well first, we have to go pick up Ethan from work later."

Our friend Ethan was the oldest of our group and graduated from high school a year ago. Valid Victorian. We were really proud, especially Mrs. Saunders. Now Ethan is majoring in fine arts at the local community college on a full scholarship, and apprenticing at the tattoo parlor. Free college courses and a high paying job? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.

"Hey, where's Chaos?" asked Henrietta now noticing the absence of one of our party.

"He's staying after," I said, "He said he'd catch up later…" My voice faded after the last syllable.

They both stopped walking abruptly and looked at me. Serious looks of concern staining their faces. We were now standing just outside the school entrance. A few passerby grumbled annoyingly at our blocking the doorway before deciding to shove past us. We didn't pay them any mind.

"Twitch," Dylan said a little nervously, "what the hell is going on here?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly, averting my eyes away from their intense expressions, "he just seemed kind of off…"

"HEY!" Came a startling shout from nowhere. I screamed at the same moment a pair of arms grabbed Henrietta around the waist causing her to squeal. The head of a playful red haired boy peered around the nape of her neck and planted a kiss on her jawbone.

"Kyle, what the fuck man?" she reprimanded her boyfriend only mildly annoyed, "You almost made Twitch piss his pants."

"Sorry, Tweek." Kyle said grinning good naturedly. "And how are you this fine evening, my sweet angel of death?" he added now directing his attention at his girlfriend.

"As black hearted as ever, sexy kosher boy." Henrietta replied, "Are you still picnicking with us at the cemetery tomorrow?"

"Wouldn't think of missing it, babe. Talk to you later…" He gave Henrietta a quick smooch on the lips before continuing on his way.

Dylan stared after him for a few moments, a look of utter repulsion on his face.

"That was the most disgustingly conformist display of affection I have ever seen." he said.

"Oh yeah," Henrietta replied cynically, "I'm so conformist, I shit butterflies."

Just then, a monarch butterfly fluttered by putting an end to all conversation. We all just stared at it, watching as it came to a stop on a dandelion that was growing out of a crack on the sidewalk.

"Your metaphors have perfect timing," Dylan replied with equal sarcasm, "Well, I got to go catch that soul before it falls into the wrong hands…"

Dylan went to chase after the butterfly leaving Henrietta and I to recall our earlier concern about Butters. Something was wrong that he wasn't telling us about. A nagging fear lingered in the back of my mind as I assumed the worst. No, he wouldn't do that… would he? I know he's done a lot of harmful things to himself, but he would never take it that far… right?

I really didn't know. All too often, I jump to the wrong conclusions. Wrong or not though, I couldn't just stand around letting my morbid imagination get the better of me while my best friend might be in trouble. I had to go look for him.

"Henrietta, I'm going to see if Butters is okay." I told her. "Maybe you should go on ahead and pick Ethan up from work…"

Henrietta looked like she was about to object, but thought better of it and pursed her lips sullenly. I turned to go back inside when she grabbed me by the upper arm. I momentarily started and gave a tiny yelp, breathing heavily. My chest heaved up and down as I fought to regain control of my breath.

"Listen," she said firmly, a severe look on her face, "you need to keep a cool head about this. You're not going to do him any favors if you can't get yourself under control, got it?"

I nodded, heaving a deep sigh. It felt good, I felt calmer.

"Okay," she continued, "I'll be back in a half hour. Thirty minutes, Twitch. If you and Chaos aren't out here by the time I get back…" She paused. "Well, don't worry," she pulled me into a hug, "we're not leaving here until we know that Chaos is safe."

I thanked her and ran back inside the school. As I ran down the hall, I tried to think of where to look for first. I guess the best place to look was where I last saw him. The classroom was empty. I checked under the teacher's desk, nothing. The closet, not here… _Where else could he be? _I thought. Another horrifying thought came to mind as I got an idea of where to look next.

The bathroom. I nervously stood outside the boys' room trying really hard not to think what I was thinking. My body started shaking a little bit harder as I took a deep breath and counted to three. _One… two… three…_ I placed my hand on the door and pushed it open, preparing myself for the worst. _Always_ prepared for the worst. I peered around the door; nothing, that was almost a relief, but I still had the stalls to check. I walked slowly to the first stall and just stood there like before. I couldn't help it, I was scared to death of what I might find. My heart was racing as I placed my hand on the door and I held my breath in anticipation as the door slowly creaked open…

Nothing. I exhaled sharply. This was getting ridiculous, how much longer was I just going to stand around? Henrietta was right, I needed to pull myself together. I decided to quickly check the other stalls kicking one open and peeking inside before moving on to the next one. _Where the hell is he? _I leave the bathroom, feeling somewhat discouraged and slumped down on the floor with my head in my hands.

"Hey Tweek," a deadpan monotone voice said.

I jumped to my feet, screaming louder than I had all day. I was so busy rocking back and forth and muttering to myself that I didn't hear anyone coming.

"Sorry," said Craig, "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I-it's okay," I reply, my hand over my heart as I tried for the umpteenth time today to relax.

"You sure?" asked Craig, "You seem a lot jumpier than usual today, is everything alright?"

Suddenly, I felt like crying and my eyes began to sting with tears as I stood there looking at him. But before I could even shed a tear or release a sob, Craig grabbed me by the shoulders and gently pressed me against the wall. What he did next was something I had only imagined him doing in my wildest dreams. He kissed me. His lips were pressed firmly against my mouth and my eyes widened in surprise. My body began to tremble anew as my heart accelerated faster than ever.

So this is it, once again I have fallen completely and utterly down the rabbit hole. And this time, there was no finding my way back…


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, so completing this story is going to take a little longer than I thought. However, I expect to be finished with it by the end of the month. I'm sorry for the delay and the misinformation. I hope you enjoy this chapter...**

**Again, this story contains spoilers from the _Elder Goth_ saga.**

**Yours Affectionately,**

**-A.C. Lucius**

I can honestly say that I have a distinct recollection of the last time I smiled. It was such a long time ago that it should've already been long forgotten. It was summer and we were coming to the end of the fifth grade. Next year, we'd be in middle school and the thought of it was absolutely terrifying to us. New school, new teachers, new friends, new beginning. It would be just like starting over from scratch and rebuilding your status and reputation. Like moving away to live in a new town.

Some people in my class had expressed some of the same concerns that I had. Others were mindlessly excited and actually looking forward to it.

"Do you think they'll be any cute boys in middle school?" Bebe Stevens had asked. All the girls in class were giggling and squealing at the prospect. Anyone could've told you then that Bebe would turn out to be the prettiest and most popular girl in school. But no one had counted on her turning into a conceded bitch for it. Today she laughs and jeers at me whenever members of the football team shove me into lockers. Needless to say, I've learned to hate her.

That whole entire last day of school was a wave of fearful speculations and tearful farewells. Some of our friends and classmates would go on to the same middle school together, others we would never see again for a very long time…

In one corner of the school cafeteria, Tweek and Craig were both standing around awkwardly with a third boy I never really spoke to (I believe his name was Stoker), with sullen looks on each of their faces. Rumor had it that the boy named Stoker was moving to Denver, much to the dismay of Tweek and Craig who had both grown close to him. They must've been trying hard not to break down like the rest of the students whose friends were also going away. Being a boy can be awfully tough at a time like this.

Eventually it all become too much for me to handle and I stormed from the cafeteria. This would be the first of many times I've done so throughout my entire academic career. I hated this, why does everything have to be such a big deal? Why does change always have to be so scary? Why can't we just move on and have everything remain the same? Do we really have to start over? Lose old friends, make new ones, and then start over again in high school? Will this vicious cycle ever end?

Only if I died.

I burst through the back door leading to the playground and stumbled down the steps, throwing up once I reached the bottom. Suddenly, I felt weak and my body quaked with the effort of supporting itself. My knees buckled and I could see the ground rushing towards me. I screwed my eyes shut waiting for the impact, but it never came. A pair of arms grabbed hold of me and dragged me to a secluded part of the playground. I caught a glimpse of orange and looked up as Kenny tried to get me to sit up against the brick wall that bordered our school.

"Are you okay?" asked Kenny.

"Ugh." I forced myself to sit up straight. "What happened?"

"I don't know, but I think you almost fainted." he replied.

"Boy, this is sure turning out to be a rough day." I sighed.

"No kidding?" He reached into his messenger bag and produced a bottle of water. "Drink this."

I took the bottle from him gratefully and chugged down all the water. At least my mouth doesn't taste like vomit anymore. I hand the bottle back to him, wiping my mouth with a shaking hand.

"Gee, thanks Ken, I owe you one."

"No problem, but I think we should probably take you to the nurse."

Crazy pink haired lady with a dead fetus stuck to her head? No thanks!

"Thanks anyway, but I think I'm starting to feel a little better…"

"If you say so…" he shrugged and pulled something else out of his messenger bag. It was a pack of cigarettes. I didn't know that Kenny smoked, I wonder when he started.

He paused and looked at me, both his hands were cupped around his lit cigarette. _Oh shit, he caught me staring… _Again, he just shrugged nonchalantly and sparing the pack a final look, threw it on my lap. I looked down at it and back at him.

"Take them," said Kenny, "just don't tell anyone, okay?"

I nodded. I wouldn't ever tell on Kenny, he was one of the few people who was actually nice to me. I took the cigarette pack in my hand and stared at it for a few seconds before putting it in my pocket. Thinking about it now, it was so trivial, but I couldn't stop myself from asking that stupid question.

"So Kenny, why did you start smoking?"

He chuckled and smirked with his cigarette clenched between his teeth. He gave yet another shrug, I started to notice that he's awfully good at being nonchalant. Maybe it was just his upbringing? Kenny's seen an a lot of crazy shit happen, maybe he became desensitized.

"Why not?" he asked wryly and chuckled again, "But seriously though, there's adventures with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman; my home and familial environment; and being Mysterion and the whole 'I can't die' thing that no one believes." He was counting off the reasons on his fingers throughout this little rant of his.

"Gosh Ken, I'm really sorry…" I started to say, but he waved away my apology.

"Don't be, it isn't anything that we have any control of. Shit just happens."

I thought about it for a moment. He was absolutely right, Kenny was born poor and that really wasn't his fault (if anything his parents are to blame). Going on adventures with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman is almost obligatory if you're going to be friends with them. But being Mysterion? He chose to be a costumed vigilante! And that last part about being an immortal? Of course no one's going to believe him, but I guess no one believing in him was what really got to him.

"About the whole immortality thing," I replied after a while, "I've decided that I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"What?" said Kenny incredulously.

"You don't have to prove anything at all to me," I continued, "I'm just going to believe you. The next time it happens, come tell me about it. Even if I was there and don't remember, come tell me. I promise I won't laugh at you or scrutinize you in any way."

"You would really do that for me?"

"Well heck Kenny, we're pals aren't we? Friends help each other and it sounds like you need to talk with someone who isn't going to judge you. That's what I'm here for buddy!" I clapped him on the back reassuringly.

Kenny smothered out the butt of his cigarette and got up to leave. He turned to me tentatively as if unsure if it was okay to leave me alone.

"I have to go catch up with the others," he said, "are you going to be okay?"

"Well sure," I replied, "I feel a lot better now."

"Well, okay…" he said turning away still unsure, "…if you're absolutely sure…" Then he stopped suddenly and turned back to me again. "Gosh Butters, I'm sorry, I almost forgot! Wasn't there something that you wanted to talk about?"

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me or the smirk that plastered itself on my face. Suddenly, my problems seemed trivial maybe even a bit absurd.

"You know what?" I replied, "It's not important, in fact it doesn't matter anymore…"

The corners of my mouth tugged upwards into a small grin, another ironic chuckle escaping me. I never spoke to Kenny McCormick again after that. That's were my smile's life ends. What followed afterward was an immensely horrible summer of loneliness and spurn, and a terrible start to the new school year at my new school. Soon my life just became an endless haze of unhappiness and self loathing.

I lost my ability to smile…


	4. Chapter 4

**Bad News**

Due to an unfortunate computer error, **ALL** fanfictions are now on** PERMENATE **hiatas. I'm very sorry for the inconvience. However, I will continue writing. Perhaps some time next week, I will be back with fresh material. Once again, I apologize this was a very difficult decision of which there was absolutely no choice but to make. Have a good evening and happy writing .

Yours Affectionately,

-A.C. Lucius


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